SOCIAL MEDIA

Sunday 26 March 2017

LOSING MOMENTUM AND GAINING INSPIRATION



Dear Reader, I have a terrible confession to make. I forgot I had a blog.





I ended 2016 and began this year with so much determination in regards to my blog; I wanted to make it stand out, something meaningful that people could read and take things away from. More importantly, though, I wanted it to be a place where I could be unapologetically myself. I wanted to be able to ramble and ruminate and write about whatever was on my mind, whether discussing a favourite lipstick or sharing some of my deepest thoughts. These were all things I wanted to do, but life hit me square in the face and I found myself up to my eyeballs with anxiety and self-doubt.

Honesty, I felt like a failure for not having the positive start to the year that I had imagined for myself. Instead of feeling good about the year ahead, all of a sudden I felt very stressed and anxious about the amazing opportunities I had lined up. I realised that I was truly terrified to get back into studying and really didn't see how I was going to have the confidence to do this. Money was a huge worry for me, as I had decided to give up working for the 2.5 months that I would be at college. After spending the loveliest few weeks with my boyfriend over the festive period, he had to go home to France and it was back to the reality of a long distance relationship. I felt lonely and isolated; I realised that having worked full-time September-December 2016, I really burned myself out and didn't have a lot of time to see my friends at all. All of these thoughts and feelings were weighing me down so much that it became overwhelming.

In hindsight, I know that most of this may seem trivial, but to me the combination of these things felt like the end of the world. I didn't know what to do with myself. I think the turning point came when I realised that I hadn't left the house in five days (!!!) and that something needed to be done, fast. And so, I did what I do best: I made a list. I wrote down all of the things that were worrying me and thought of ways that I could resolve these problems. It's such a simple thing to do, but my years of CBT told me that it would work, and it did! Part of me knew that my anxieties surrounding my new course were only natural and that it was an amazing opportunity for me. I thought of ways to earn and save my money so that this wouldn't be so much of a concern for me. I booked a flight to France so that I knew exactly when I would next be able to see my boyfriend. Finally, I called a close friend who I hadn't seen/spoke to in 6+ months and we had a 1.5 hour long chat, which made me feel so much better about everything.

Again, you're probably wondering why I didn't think about these things in the first place - oh, how I wish that had been the case! I'm a worrier, an over-thinker. The worst possible outcome in a situation will usually come to mind before the best possible outcome.

Since then, I've had ups and downs but I finally feel like I'm inspired again and I've achieved a hell of a lot too. After 10 gruelling weeks of long days, late nights and the occasional breakdown, I'm now a qualified English language teacher. Although it was hard work, I've met some lovely people and had some amazing experiences. I've also gained so much confidence in my own ability. Standing in front of a classroom full of teens/adults and delivering an English lesson isn't as scary as I thought - it's actually so much fun and immensely rewarding!

Studying aside, another achievement so far this year is the fact I've read. I know you're probably sat there thinking 'Reading isn't an achievement' and a few years ago, I would've thought the same, but after going through a really bad time mental health wise, I lost all the will and concentration I had to read. It's taken me a long time to regain this, but I'm finally becoming the bookworm I once was. So far this year, I've managed to read 11 books (in the whole of last year I only read 7, one of which was compulsory for my French course at college!) and I have no plans to stop anytime soon!

So, in all, I'm finding everything a whole lot easier. Of course, it's not all plain sailing; I still have my down days, of course, and on these days nothing I can do or say to myself can help. However, I'm so proud of how I've turned things around in such a short space of time.

Before this post gets too rambly, (...who am I kidding, you've probably stopped reading by now. If you haven't, congratulations! Also, do you have nothing better to do?) I'll say one more thing.

Dearest blog, I vow to never forget about you ever again.

Main image courtesy of my lovely namesake Rebecca of From Roses. Her blog is one of the very few I read religiously and her photography is amazing!

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